Are there no Shadows where you are?

Dear Brendan,

I've been thinking about you a lot tonight for some reason. I remember little things like that time you and Sofi stole my shoe and put it on top of a flat that I could possibly reach the top of, and how after Mary Girard won Regionals, you literally jumped off the stage into my arms and for a brief second I held all of your weight.

It's so surreal. I look through old pictures on Facebook and, without warning, there you are. On the edge of some frame, always smiling, always on the edge. You were on the edges of my memories, but you were there. It's even stranger now that you were on the edge. I will start to tell a story now and stop, all of a sudden, because I remember that you were there.

I tell a joke, one of my favorites (Where does the King keep his army? In his sleevey!), and recall as soon as I've done so that it was you who first shared it with me. People around me laugh, because I've made the kind of friends who like corny jokes, and I smile, but feel strange inside.

I miss you. I hadn't seen you in a year, and probably would not have seen you for a long time to come, but I miss you. I think a lot about you, now that you are gone. You are the first person I know who is my own age who died. The first funeral I went to where I cried.

The emotions inside of me when I think of you are so...strange, to use the word yet again. But it applies. I'm sad, but there's more to it. There's the thought that I barely knew you, so why am I so very sad? As I mentioned, you were just a peripheral character. I think that makes it even harder. You were someone I didn't give much of a thought when you were there, so it's now odd that you have become the focus of my thoughts.

I don't know Brendan. But I hope that wherever you are, there are no shadows, and that you see everything as day (those are adapted Anberlin lyrics by the way, "Are there no shadows where you are?/ I can see everything as day"). I truly hope that you have found your peace, and I hope you know that you are so very missed, even by people of whom you might not expect it. You were such an amazing addition to the world and it is such a loss that your sun doesn't shine on us anymore. But the memories will always be there kid. And every time I see you flitting around the edge of some story I tell of wonderful times at home, I will stop, and I will remember what an incredible hugger you were, and how special you could make anyone feel.

I love you Brendan. And I hope you know that.