"It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got..."

So I'm back at Brandeis after a long break.

Yesterday felt like running the gauntlet. Returning to my chosen solitude on the same day as the anniversary of my father's death just felt cruel. There was no relief in the return. Just the familiar silence settling around me as I shut the door to my room.

I'm writing only to keep myself from finishing the novel I started yesterday. A novel I have burned through because I've been in here alone most of the day. The number of pages remaining has dwindled alarmingly quickly. Sometimes I hate being a fast reader.

My classes are mostly in order for tomorrow. The morning will begin at 10:40 with a yoga class in which I am not formally enrolled. So the day will begin with a contest of wills. Me against the teacher. Who will win? Who knows. Following yoga I will head to a Spanish class, and then Human Rights in a Global Perspective. I should be really excited about the last one, but I'm not excited about anything now. If not for dinner with Emily and Jenn, I could easily have gone all day without speaking a word to anyone.

I titled this post optimistically. Clearly I don't have what I want right now. I just need to find it in myself to want what I've got. What I've got is an incredible opportunity to further my learning, something that has always been important to me. I just have to keep repeating that to myself. Soon, classes will pick up and Spring Awakening will begin and I won't have time to think this way. I hope.

What awaits in the future, though, does not make this moment any less lonely. I'm trying to tune my focus to things that at the very least make my mind move in interesting ways, even if they can't make me happy. I should write down blocking notes for the show I am about to direct. I should read the provided syllabi for upcoming classes. I should...but I don't want to. I just want to be at home.