So I haven't been sleeping much. That's just a fact of life right now. Nothing to be done.
In my wakefulness, I have been attempting, of course, to answer the deeper questions of life. Well, my life anyway. The theme for this semester seems to be the ever unreachable "Who am I?"
Am I one who is quiet? Or outgoing? Do I like to party? Or is it more fun to be sober? Are one night stands my thing? Or do I want something more substantial? Should I make the same friends I had in high school? Or am I a different person than I was then? How do I dress? What do I say? How do I spend my free time? Am I good at balancing? Am I bad at letting go of a lost cause? Do I give out second chances too easily? Doesn't everyone deserve another chance? And another and another? Do I deserve a second chance? Should I be more involved with the people on my hall? Do I want to hang around people who are stoned? Do I want to try being stoned? Is that who I am? Must I depend on an external substance to enjoy myself? No. I don't think that's who I am.
I used to be quiet. Couldn't even stand the idea of being at a drunken party, much less high. I dont' regret trying drinking. I dont' beleive in regrets. The only thing I regret I don't think I would actually change if I could. I would let him hurt me all over again just to have the experience. One night stands are not my thing. Two made me feel disgusting, the third broke my heart. No more of that.
(For some of my readers, the things I just shared may shock you. May seem icredibly out of character for me. Well...that's the point I guess. I don't know who my character is anymore. I don't want to be who I always was. I don't dislike who I have been, I just want to try something new. And I'm not sure how. The choices I have made have been different certainly, but have not felt like truly me. I need desperately to know if there is something out there that I just have not found yet that truly defines who I am. That's all.)
So...those are some of my idle musings. Don't think any less of me.
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Hi Hilly,
ReplyDeleteYou're exactly where a college kid should be: trying to figure out who you want to be. It's all fine. Promise. Just one word of caution: You might want to clarify for your readers what your definition of a '1 night stand' is because what you are talking about is not what your readers perhaps think you are talking about???!!! I just don't want friends and fam to think you are trying to find yourself whilst screwing the campus. Love you, honey. xoxoxo
Mom
Nobody thinks less of you. They think more of you because you are honest about all of this.
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